why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
