I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
