If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
