Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
