im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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