i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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