i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
