Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
