Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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