he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
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Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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