I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
