sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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