my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
