I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
