Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
