And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
