the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
