Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
