I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
