I think I died a long time ago.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
