I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
