He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
