oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
