I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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