Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
