There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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