I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
