I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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