Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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