My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
