turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
