So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.