Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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