Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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