I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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