Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
