So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
