we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
