I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
