Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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