they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
