I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
