Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
