About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
