I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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