Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
