Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
