never play flip cup with pint glasses
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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