i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
