It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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