im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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