Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
