I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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