matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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