Just fell off a train. Bad.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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