i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
