even my farts smell like vagina
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize