she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
