I met the friendliest cop last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
