I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
