I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
